My Absolutely Certain to be True 2013-14 NFL Predictions

I can be a bit of an egotist. I think that's a good thing. Happiness starts with thinking well of yourself. Never is my egotism more evident than when listening to the sports talk-show pundits predicting an NFL season. Despite making six-figure salaries, I rarely hear insightful analysis from the likes of Chris Carter, Colin Cowherd, etc. Often their insights seem to be based on little more than, "these guys/this team usually does well, and I have a feeling." Listening to them, my egotism raises it's large head and says, "You can do better than that."

So I'm going to try. I'm going to put my words where my egotism's head is. Horrendously

Mike Vick.

mismatched analogies aide, here are my predictions for the 2013-14 NFL season. I claim no insight, no logic, but I bet I come as close as those that do.

• Divisional Winners
• NFC East: Philadelphia Eagles. Michael Vick will have a career year in Chip Kelly's offense.
• NFC North: Green Bay Packers: The Aaron Rodgers machine marches on, continuing it's reign as the most boring air attack in the history of football.
• NFC South: New Orleans Saints or anybody but the Falcons. I'll never forgive Matt Ryan for beating Virginia Tech. I mean what was he doing at Boston College anyway? The dude isn't even a Catholic. 
• NFC West: Seattle Seahawks. Sorry. We all know that Colin Kaepernick is the next quarterback god, but still. The 49ers have to play 16 games just like everyone else. I think they'll lose six of them, and the Seahawks will only lose five.
• AFC East: New England Patriots. As long as Tom Brady stands, the New England Patriots will win. At least most of the time.
• AFC North: Baltimore Ravens. Just barely. But who really cares? Is there a more boring division? Now if Flacco get's benched and Tyrod Taylor plays I have me a new favorite team. But what is the chance of that happening? Flacco, Mr. Super Bowl MVP, is an elite quarterback, right? NOT!!
• AFC South: Baltimore Indianapolis Colts. Andrew Luck will dominate. He might be the last of the drop back passers, but he might also become one of the best. I also suggest that each game's invocation ends with, "And may God return the Colts to their rightful home in Baltimore."
• AFC West: Denver Broncos. Okay. These guys are everyone's flavor of the month. Can't say that I feel the same, but who else could win this division?
• NFC Wild Cards
• San Francisco 49ers. Kaepernick is still damn good.
• Chicago Bears. Always underestimated. Cutler will complete less than 60% of his passes, but the Bears will still win 10.
• AFC Wild Cards
• Pittsburg Steelers. The Steelers will tie the Bengals at 9-7 but will beat them in two head-to-heads.
• Houston Texans: The Texan snooze-fest will finish 10-6, but very few fans will be awake to see it.
• Wild Card Weekend Winners
• NFC
• Saints over Bears. Cutler chokes. I hate to see it.
• 49ers over Packers. Kaepernick dominates Rodgers. I love to see it.
• AFC
• Colts over Steelers. Luck gets his first playoff win.
• Texans over Ravens. A boring game, featuring two dull quarterbacks. Texans win 21-17.
• Divisional Weekend
• NFC
• Eagles over Saints. The Saints don't have the defense to stop Chip Kelly's offense, even when run by Nick Foles subbing for an injured Michael Vick.
• 49ers over Seahawks. An epic game, fought between two, strong-willed teams lead by their passionate quarterbacks. 35-34 49ers.
• AFC
• Patriots over the Colts. Andrew Luck is exciting, Brady is untouchable.
• Broncos over Texans. Wes Welker has a 14-catch game in a 31-14 win.
• Conference Championships
• NFC
• Eagles over 49ers. Michael Vick returns and has a career game, running for over 130, and passing for 300. Eagles win 28-17.
• AFC
• Broncos over Patriots. In what might be the final meeting of these two, Hall-of Fame quarterbacks, Manning tops Brady 24-21.
• Super Bowl
• Eagles over Broncos, 14-10. Eagles defense shines. Michael Vick plays error-free football, and Peyton Manning is very pedestrian in the cold and snow of MetLife Stadium.

Okay, that's a wrap. The video below has nothing to do with this season, but it is funny as heck. Give it a look.